Refuge

Woke up this morning after roughly six hours of sleep . 10:45 am dad knocks on my door to get ready for mosque . the Imam’s speech kinda shook me even tho i was too tired to listen to most of what he said.

but a few things he said did stand out , felt like he was speaking to me about me directly . basically reminding us that life isn’t where it all ends  , that we’re here now for a reason .

“dont let the small joys of life distract you from your duty towards God. when you pray , pray as if you see God before you , for even though you don’t see God , God sees you.”

 it’s no secret i’m falling behind on my prayers . i’ve always beleived in God , i’ve never lost faith and i know God exists. I dont need visual proof, i try to see beyond the simple inheritence of Islam from birth. all the details of the Quran aside which i have complete faith in, i know we didnt evolve from monkies i know that the eveloution of man along this universe didnt just simply happen and end when u go into the dirt . But yet , i keep falling back from praying.  5 simple prayers a day that are 5 minutes of my time each. a friend of mine once heard some guy explain faith logically and mathimatically. it’s like this , let’s say God does exist , if you were faithful you’ve got something to gain , a glorious after life , paradise and so on . if you weren’t faithful , then you’ve got something to lose , and eternal punishment . if however God didnt exist (ista’3fur Allah) then you have nothing to gain and nothing to lose wether you were faithful or not . so regardless if your faith (or lack there of) is blind , theres more positives in beleiving in God than not to.

it’s easy to blame , but it’s hard to accept . i’m not just ascending , i’m dropping like a rock. something needs to change . it all makes sense when i contimplate it , i can’t take any of these things that waste my time when i’m 6 feet under .

Unfortunatly thats not the only place that i got to thinking about. my health is just getting worse , i breathe heavy after any ounce of effort , i quit smoking maybe 2 weeks ago  but thats not the whole 9 if i wanna get back in shape , i need to eat right and work right , and that means getting my sleeping habits on some sort of routine . Ramadan slows the process down but while that’s on the brink of finishing i need to get a good sense of commitment if i’m going to acheive anything . aunts and uncles even cousins dont see me weeks sometimes months at a time when the rest of the house goes almost every night. 

i’ve got everything to lose , plenty to live and die for , but over the years i just watch myself build these 4 walls around me without thinking . I’ve seen and been through enough to make me this bitter cynical distant person . i can’t be blamed , with all the boundries , the kind of people i come across , the good i see in few inspires me to be good but the keyword here is “few” . it’s hard to stay on track after all  , how can u focus on one red rose you try to see through a wall of thorns that surround you?

what’s happening to me?